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Helping Children Grieve
For Parents of Teens
I'm Paula Hampel, a Mayo Clinic child life specialist, and I help families with children who have lost a loved one. Losing someone you love is one of the toughest challenges a teenager can face. As a parent, it may be tempting to try to help your teen avoid the pain that comes with loss. But it's important to respect the unique way your teen experiences a loss -- and to offer plenty of time and space to move through the sadness, confusion, and pain. We have put together some answers to the most common questions we get from parents supporting a teen who has lost someone they love.
How do I talk to my teen about death? By the time someone reaches the teen years it's likely they've already experienced loss. Teens are able to understand complex topics like death. Still, they may not be ready to talk about it on a timeline that feels natural to you. It may even look to you as if they aren't grieving at all. The most important thing you can do is to let them know that when they want to talk with you, you'll be there.
What questions should I expect? Teens often have practical questions about death and about changes to your family after this loss. They want to be treated as adults and to feel a sense of control. It's important to use clear, accurate language and provide as many details as they ask for. If they have medical questions, try researching them together. Encourage your teen to be involved in decisions if possible. For instance, if you're going to need to move, ask for their input or ask how they would like to celebrate major milestones without your loved one.
What if my teen isn't talking to me about this loss at all? Teens may be more comfortable grieving with their peers. This is normal. The most important thing is to be sure they have someone to talk to about their loss. Support their relationships with friends and other trusted adults in their lives. Respect their need for privacy.
If my teen is talking with others, should I leave the topic alone? Your teen may not be opening up to you about their grief, but you are still very much needed. Remain present and consistent. Keep your daily routines as normal as possible. You may find that they are more willing to share their feelings while you spend time together, watching TV, cooking, or during other everyday activities. Some teens may not want to share because they don't want to make you feel sad or upset. Let them know that feeling sad doesn't mean something is wrong. It's just a sign of how much you cared for the person who died. And these emotions are an important part of healing.
How should I handle challenging behaviors during this time? Many teens act out while they're grieving. They may hide their feelings only to later explode in an angry outburst. They may defy rules or engage in behaviors they know aren't acceptable. For teens, acting out can be a way of processing emotions, but that doesn't mean it's acceptable. And it won't help if you let your teen avoid important consequences. Let them know that their behavior isn't okay, but it doesn't change your love and support no matter what. You may find that with time your teen is able to share their feelings. Let them know that you're ready to listen anytime. If your teen is acting out at school, talk with their teachers. Let them know what's happening with your family and that extra support may be needed. Teachers may also be able to connect you with other resources that can help.
Is it okay to cry or talk about my grief in front of my teen? Yes. Letting your teen in on your own grief shows them how to express feelings in a healthy way. You can explain why you're sad and let them know that it's okay to have emotions. It's also okay for you to show that you are upset, short tempered, or whatever you feel. Connecting emotions with behaviors is an important lesson for everyone to learn. Let your teen see your grief along with moments of happiness. This will show that it's possible to bounce back. Be careful not to give your teen the impression that they are in any way responsible for your feelings. If you need to really fall apart, carve out a safe space to do that away from them.
How can I help my teen feel connected to our loved one? One creative way to do this is to set up a space in your home to display photos and mementos that help you both remember the person who died. You may also want to encourage activities like making a memory box, drawing, painting, keeping a journal, or playing favorite music. Your teen might find comfort in a special item that belonged to your loved one. If there were favorite traditions with your loved one, keep those rituals alive. These traditions create regular opportunities for your loved one to come up naturally in conversation so you can share memories and talk about your feelings.
What else can I do to help my teen? It's important to be aware that teens who are dealing with grief can be more vulnerable to risky behaviors. Keep an eye out for signs that your teen may be using alcohol or drugs, engaging in risky sexual behavior or making other reckless choices. As hard as it may be, resist the urge to overprotect. It's far more helpful to have loving, honest conversations. Check in with your teen about staying safe online, especially when it comes to discussing their feelings or sharing personal information. Encourage an open discussion about the information they share on social media.
What if my teen needs extra help dealing with grief? If you have concerns about a drop in self-esteem, withdrawal, sadness that never seems to pass or extreme behaviors, contact your teen's doctor. Your teen may need help from a mental health professional or your doctor might recommend a support group for teens who are dealing with grief. If you feel that your teen is suicidal, call or text the 988 suicide and crisis lifeline right away. Don't neglect your own need for support. The most important thing you can do is to make sure you're taking care of your own mental and emotional health. Ask your doctor for help if you need it or seek out adult support groups. Grief is a journey that you and your family experience together. At Mayo Clinic, we're here to support you every step of the way.
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