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Helping Children Grieve
For Teens
I'm Paula Hampel and I help young people after a loved one has died. If someone you love has died, you're really hurting. This may be one of the hardest things you've ever experienced. After the death of a loved one, you may feel very different for a while. You might be wrestling with thoughts and emotions that seem to roll over you and maybe even through you like giant waves. This reaction is called grief. Grief is a process everyone goes through when someone they love dies. It's not as simple as just being sad. It affects many different parts of you and your life all at once. I want you to know that this is normal and that you're not alone.
My feelings are all over the place. Is this normal? The answer is yes. No matter what you're feeling, grief can cause every kind of emotion. You might feel overwhelmed by sadness sometimes, other times you might feel very angry, numb, or even confused. You might feel like you can't believe they are gone. It might surprise you to hear that it's also normal to feel okay for a while, and then suddenly feel upset or sad again. Many teens feel guilty when someone they love dies. Maybe you regret something you did or didn't say to them before they died. You might miss them and feel lonesome. You may wonder who will take care of you. These thoughts and feelings can make it hard to pay attention in school or concentrate on the things you enjoy. Many teens feel a lot of pressure from life's responsibilities. If you feel this way, grief can make things even more complicated. Be sure to tell others in your life what you're going through.
A lot of things feel off in my body. Is that normal? Yes. You can experience grief in physical ways too. This is different for everyone. You may not be hungry even for your favorite foods. You might have trouble falling asleep or have nightmares when you do manage to sleep. You might also have trouble taking care of yourself, like getting regular exercise or taking a shower. Sometimes grief can make you feel like you're moving through quicksand. Spending time with people who make you feel safe and loved can help you feel a little better.
Some of my friends seem pretty awkward around me. What should I do? Death often makes others feel very uncomfortable. Your friends may want to try to fix your pain, but they can't, so they kind of freeze up. They might avoid the topic or try to act like things are normal, or it might feel like they're avoiding you altogether. If you can, tell your friends what they can do to support you. Maybe it's just asking them to listen while you talk about what happened, or maybe you just want to hang out and watch a movie or listen to music.
Everyone wants me to talk about it. But I'm not ready. Is that okay? Yes. It's okay for you to need time to feel comfortable talking about your feelings. You may feel more at ease opening up to a close friend at first. Just make sure you have someone to talk to and let others know you have support. If you don't have a friend you can talk to, consider asking someone you trust to help you find a grief support group for teens. You could also ask for help finding a therapist who works with teens who are grieving. Your school counselor, a favorite teacher, or coach, may also be someone you can talk with. When it comes to your family, you may find that it feels good just to spend time together, cooking a meal or watching TV. When you feel close and safe, you might discover that you are able to talk with them about what you're feeling.
What if I start to forget things about the person who died? This is a very normal thing to worry about. You might even find yourself replaying certain memories over in your head to try to make sure they stay. There are a lot of things you can do to capture your memories so they will last. You could write down your favorite memories in a journal, you can make a memory box with pictures of your loved one. You might find comfort in holding onto something that belong to them, such as a favorite t-shirt, sweater, or a special piece of jewelry. If you had favorite traditions together, choose someone to help you keep those going. Keep going to your favorite pizza place or following a favorite band or sports team. Talk about the things you remember when you were doing those favorite activities.
Will I ever feel better?Yes. Though you may always feel moments of grief, it's normal to have times of happiness along with moments of sadness. Grief will always be different for everyone. It's important to let yourself feel all the feelings you have. If you have feelings that are too big to handle or don't go away over time, ask for help. It's especially important to reach out for help. If you find that you're taking risks that put you or others in danger, like drinking alcohol, taking drugs, or other risky behaviors. If you have thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself, call or text the 988 suicide and crisis lifeline for help anytime. Healing doesn't mean forgetting. You'll remember the person who died forever, but it won't always be this painful. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself. Healing takes time.
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