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Helping Children Grieve
For Parents of Preschoolers
I'm Paula Hampel, a Mayo Clinic child life specialist, and I help families with children who have lost a loved one. Losing someone you love is one of the toughest challenges a child can face. As a parent, it may be tempting to try to help your child avoid the pain that comes with loss, but it's important to respect the unique way your child experiences this and to offer plenty of time and space to move through the sadness, confusion, and pain. We have put together some answers to common questions we get from parents and other caregivers supporting a child who has lost someone they love.
How do I talk to my child about death? Preschool-aged children live in a world of magical thinking. When someone they love dies, a young child may think that something they did, thought, or said caused the death to occur. They may also believe that they can use their thoughts or wishes to bring their loved one back to life, so it's very important to use concrete language with children this age. Include the words death and died. Avoid language that could confuse your child, like saying your loved one has gone to a better place or is taking a long nap. Recognize the emotions involved in these conversations and take some time to prepare.
How should I explain what happens after we die? If your family practices a specific faith, you may want to connect to your own religious or spiritual traditions and beliefs. This may include the idea of a soul and what you believe happens to the soul after a person dies or having a sense of wonder about the way all things in nature are connected through the cycle of life. Plants, trees, animals, and people are all born and all eventually die.
Are there any common questions I should be ready to answer? Your child is likely to ask, why did this happen? Provide clear age-appropriate answers and let your child's questions guide you. If the person died unexpectedly, you could say an accident happened that caused big injuries to their body, or if it was an illness or injury, you might say the doctors and nurses tried many different ways to help, but their body was just too hurt to get better. Your child may also wonder if they or you will die as well. Simply explain that you don't expect that this will happen and reassure them. For example, you could say most people don't die until they are very old.
How much information is enough? Start by sharing the basics in concrete, clear language. Something like, "It makes my heart sad to share with you, your sister has died. Her body no longer works due to her illness." Then wait to see what kinds of questions your child asks. With preschoolers, you may need to explain the same information over and over. Your child might seem to understand, saying something like, "Oh, sister is dead," and then the next day ask when she is coming back. This is normal at this stage of development. Use patience and answer questions as often as you need to.
What should I know about how young children grieve? Children process grief very differently from adults. They act out their emotions, taking in small bits of information and processing through play until they're ready for more. This can be challenging for parents, especially when you, too, are grieving. It helps to simply be aware that your child's process is very different from yours but with the same underlying feelings of grief, fear, and sadness.
How do I help my child work through their emotions? Often, young children don't know how to put big feelings into words. They just know they're upset. You may notice extra tantrums or clingy behavior or falling apart about simple things. It's important to help your child connect to their feelings. You could say something like, "I wonder if you're missing your mom and that's why you're so upset." It's helpful to build an extra one-on-one time together with your child. Take time to help them play, draw, and express their feelings creatively. This will also give you more chances to see how your child is processing this loss. Routines and consistent caregivers are also important for young children, so stick with them as much as possible.
How should I handle challenging behavior related to grief? Preschoolers who are grieving often regress to an earlier stage of development. They may wet the bed again, use baby talk, or be afraid of the dark. It's important not to overreact. If this happens, offer support and validate the challenges they are having. This is an important early lesson and healthy coping skills and resilience.
Is it okay to cry or talk about my grief in front of my child? Yes. Letting your child see your own grief demonstrates how to express feelings in a healthy way. Put words to your feelings by saying, "I'm really sad today," or "I'm missing dad right now." You can teach your child that sad is not bad. It's just a sign of how much you cared for the person who died.
How can I help my child feel connected to our loved one? Staying connected is important. One creative way to do this is to set up a space in your home for photos and mementos to remember your loved one. Your child may find comfort in keeping a special item that belonged to them, a much-loved sweater or a favorite blanket. Be sure to ask what is special to them. Your ideas may be very different from your child's ideas. If your child had favorite traditions with your loved one, keep those rituals alive. These activities create regular space to share memories and to talk with each other about your feelings.
What if my child needs extra help with grief? If your child is having trouble coping with the loss, withdrawing or showing excessive sadness, talk to your child's doctor. Your child might need help from a mental health professional or your child's care team may be able to recommend a support group for children who are experiencing grief. Don't neglect your own need for support. The most important thing you can do to help your child is to make sure you're taking care of your own mental and emotional health. Ask your doctor for referrals or seek out adult support groups. Grief is a journey that you and your family experience together.
At Mayo Clinic, we're here to support you every step of the way.