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Helping Children Grieve
For Parents of School-age Children
I'm Paula Hampel, a Mayo Clinic child life specialists and I help children after somebody they love has died. Losing someone you love is one of the toughest things a child can face. As a parent, it may be tempting to try to help your child avoid the pain that comes with loss, but it's important to respect the unique way your child experiences a loss, and offer plenty of time and space to move through the sadness, confusion, and pain. We have put together some answers to the most common questions from parents supporting a child who has lost someone they love.
How do I talk to my child about death?
At your child's age, they can understand more complex concepts like death and dying. Avoid confusing language like saying your loved one has passed away or has gone to a better place. Instead, simply state that your loved one has died. Explain that death means your body stops working. You might want to give specifics, such as the heart stops beating and the body doesn't take a breath anymore. Reassure your child that even though the person isn't coming back, you can still feel connected to them in special ways.
How should I explain what happens after we die?
If your family practices a specific faith, you may want to connect to your family's religious or spiritual traditions and beliefs. This may include the idea of a soul and what you believe happens to the soul after a person dies. Or having a sense of wonder about the way all things in nature are connected through the cycle of life. Plants, trees, animals, and people are all born, and all eventually die.
Are there any common questions I should be ready to answer?
Your child is likely to ask why or how did this happen. Provide clear, age-appropriate answers, and let your child's questions guide the conversation. Children might worry that they did something that caused your loved one to die. Provide reassurance that the person's death had nothing to do with anything they did, said, or thought. Your child also may wonder if they or you will die as well. Simply explain that you don't expect that to happen and reassure them. For example, you could say, most people don't die until they are very old.
How much information is enough?
Start by sharing the basics and concrete, clear language by saying something like: “Dad has died. He was in the hospital and his heart stopped working. The doctors and nurses did everything they could to help, but his body was too sick.” Then wait to see what questions your child asks. Let them know that you're always open to answer any questions whenever they come up.
How do I help my child work through their emotions?
Children process grief very differently from adults. They may act out their emotions in many ways. They may take in small bits of information and process them until they're ready for more. You may find that conversations happen naturally while you're spending time together watching TV, cooking, playing, or during other everyday activities. Children sometimes hesitate to share what's on their mind because they don't want to make you sad.
How should I handle challenging behavior related to grief?
Many children act out while they're grieving. They may defy your rules, have angry outbursts, or engage in behaviors they know aren't acceptable. For children, acting out can be a way of processing emotions that overwhelm them, but that doesn't mean it's acceptable, and it won't help your child if you let them avoid consequences. Let your child know that their behavior isn't okay, but it doesn't change your love for them. Routines are still important. So don't relax them too much. Your child will need a sense of structure and stability alongside the chaos in their world. If your child is having problems at school, talk with their teachers, let them know what's happening in your child's life and that extra support may be needed. They may also be able to connect you with additional resources that can help.
Is it okay to cry or talk about my grief in front of my child?
Yes. Letting your child see your own grief shows them how to express feelings in a healthy way. Put words to your feelings, like I'm sad today or I'm missing your grandpa right now. You can teach your child that sad is not bad. It's just a sign of how much you cared for the person who died.
How can I help my child feel connected to our loved one?
Staying connected is important. One creative way to do this is to set up a space in your home for photos and mementos. Add to it together over time with pictures you've drawn or items that your loved one treasured. Your child may find comfort in a special item that belonged to your loved one, a much-loved sweater, or a favorite blanket. If your child had favorite traditions with your loved one, keep those rituals alive. This creates regular opportunities for your loved one to come up in conversation so you can share memories and talk with each other about your feelings.
What else can I do to help my child?
Be aware that your child may begin facing risks from peer pressure sooner than you realize. Alcohol, drug use, and other unsafe behaviors can be an issue for all children as they get older. This is especially true for kids dealing with grief as they can be more vulnerable. It's important to have loving, honest conversations with them about these issues and to start these conversations when your child is still young. As difficult as it may be, resist the urge to over protect your child.
What if my child needs extra help with grief?
If your child is having trouble coping with the loss, withdrawing, or showing excessive sadness, talk to your child's doctor. Your child might need help from a mental health professional or your child's care team may be able to recommend a support group for children who are experiencing grief. Other resources for support may include your child's school counselor and your spiritual community. Don't neglect your own need for support as well. The most important thing you can do to help is to make sure you're taking care of your own mental and emotional health. Ask your doctor for help if you need it or seek out adult support groups. Grief is a journey that you and your family experience together. At Mayo Clinic, we're here to support you every step of the way.
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