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Helping Children Grieve

For Parents of Preschoolers

I'm Paula Hampel, a Mayo Clinic child life specialist, and I help families with children who have lost a loved one. Losing someone you love is one of the toughest challenges a child can face. As a parent, it may be tempting to try to help your child avoid the pain that comes with loss, but it's important to respect the unique way your child experiences this and to offer plenty of time and space to move through the sadness, confusion, and pain. We have put together some answers to common questions we get from parents and other caregivers supporting a child who has lost someone they love.

How do I talk to my child about death? Preschool-aged children live in a world of magical thinking. When someone they love dies, a young child may think that something they did, thought, or said caused the death to occur. They may also believe that they can use their thoughts or wishes to bring their loved one back to life, so it's very important to use concrete language with children this age. Include the words death and died. Avoid language that could confuse your child, like saying your loved one has gone to a better place or is taking a long nap. Recognize the emotions involved in these conversations and take some time to prepare.

How should I explain what happens after we die? If your family practices a specific faith, you may want to connect to your own religious or spiritual traditions and beliefs. This may include the idea of a soul and what you believe happens to the soul after a person dies or having a sense of wonder about the way all things in nature are connected through the cycle of life. Plants, trees, animals, and people are all born and all eventually die.

Are there any common questions I should be ready to answer? Your child is likely to ask, why did this happen? Provide clear age-appropriate answers and let your child's questions guide you. If the person died unexpectedly, you could say an accident happened that caused big injuries to their body, or if it was an illness or injury, you might say the doctors and nurses tried many different ways to help, but their body was just too hurt to get better. Your child may also wonder if they or you will die as well. Simply explain that you don't expect that this will happen and reassure them. For example, you could say most people don't die until they are very old.

How much information is enough? Start by sharing the basics in concrete, clear language. Something like, "It makes my heart sad to share with you, your sister has died. Her body no longer works due to her illness." Then wait to see what kinds of questions your child asks. With preschoolers, you may need to explain the same information over and over. Your child might seem to understand, saying something like, "Oh, sister is dead," and then the next day ask when she is coming back. This is normal at this stage of development. Use patience and answer questions as often as you need to.

What should I know about how young children grieve? Children process grief very differently from adults. They act out their emotions, taking in small bits of information and processing through play until they're ready for more. This can be challenging for parents, especially when you, too, are grieving. It helps to simply be aware that your child's process is very different from yours but with the same underlying feelings of grief, fear, and sadness.

How do I help my child work through their emotions? Often, young children don't know how to put big feelings into words. They just know they're upset. You may notice extra tantrums or clingy behavior or falling apart about simple things. It's important to help your child connect to their feelings. You could say something like, "I wonder if you're missing your mom and that's why you're so upset." It's helpful to build an extra one-on-one time together with your child. Take time to help them play, draw, and express their feelings creatively. This will also give you more chances to see how your child is processing this loss. Routines and consistent caregivers are also important for young children, so stick with them as much as possible.

How should I handle challenging behavior related to grief? Preschoolers who are grieving often regress to an earlier stage of development. They may wet the bed again, use baby talk, or be afraid of the dark. It's important not to overreact. If this happens, offer support and validate the challenges they are having. This is an important early lesson and healthy coping skills and resilience.

Is it okay to cry or talk about my grief in front of my child? Yes. Letting your child see your own grief demonstrates how to express feelings in a healthy way. Put words to your feelings by saying, "I'm really sad today," or "I'm missing dad right now." You can teach your child that sad is not bad. It's just a sign of how much you cared for the person who died.

How can I help my child feel connected to our loved one? Staying connected is important. One creative way to do this is to set up a space in your home for photos and mementos to remember your loved one. Your child may find comfort in keeping a special item that belonged to them, a much-loved sweater or a favorite blanket. Be sure to ask what is special to them. Your ideas may be very different from your child's ideas. If your child had favorite traditions with your loved one, keep those rituals alive. These activities create regular space to share memories and to talk with each other about your feelings.

What if my child needs extra help with grief? If your child is having trouble coping with the loss, withdrawing or showing excessive sadness, talk to your child's doctor. Your child might need help from a mental health professional or your child's care team may be able to recommend a support group for children who are experiencing grief. Don't neglect your own need for support. The most important thing you can do to help your child is to make sure you're taking care of your own mental and emotional health. Ask your doctor for referrals or seek out adult support groups. Grief is a journey that you and your family experience together.

At Mayo Clinic, we're here to support you every step of the way.

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Helping Children Grieve

For School-age Children

I'm Paula Hampel, and I help children after somebody they love has died. If someone you love has died, you're really hurting. This is one of the hardest things you will go through. After the death of a loved one, some kids feel very different for a while. You might be wrestling with thoughts and emotions that seem to roll over you and maybe even through you, like giant waves. This is a very normal reaction to the loss of someone you love. We call this reaction grief. Here are some questions that other kids have asked about death and grief. These might help you too.

My feelings are all over the place. Is this normal? If someone you love has died, you may have feelings in your body that seem strange or different. You may feel sad or even mad. You may even feel happy sometimes. These feelings are a normal part of grieving. Feeling sad or happy are both okay. We're here to help you. Another experience a lot of kids have is feeling guilty. You might feel like it was your fault somehow or that you should have been able to prevent your loved one from dying. That's just not true. You might miss your loved one and feel very lonely. These thoughts and feelings can make it hard to pay attention at school or concentrate on the things you enjoy doing.

My body sometimes doesn't feel well. Is that normal? Yes. Lots of kids have stomach aches during this time. You might not be hungry even for your favorite foods. You might have trouble falling asleep or have bad dreams when you are sleeping. Spending time with people who make you feel safe and loved can help you feel a little better. Ask for help when you need it.

What happens to a person when they die? When someone dies, it means their heart stops beating and they no longer breathe. Their body no longer works. A person's body can't start working again no matter what we do or how hard we wish for them to come back. Death is a part of life. All things in nature are born and then eventually die. This is called the cycle of life, and it happens with plants, trees, animals, and people.

Could the same thing happen to me or other people in my family? Death isn't something you can catch. People die for many different reasons. Sometimes accidents can happen. Other times, a person might get very sick or hurt, and the doctors can't fix it no matter what they try to do to help.

How can I keep feeling close to my loved one? You might find comfort in holding onto something that belong to your loved one, like a favorite t-shirt or a blanket. There are lots of things you can do to keep your special memories so they will last. You can make a memory box and fill it with pictures or other special items that remind you of your loved one. If you had favorite traditions together, find someone to help you keep those going. Talk about the things you remember when you're doing your favorite things.

Will I ever feel better? Yes. Though you may always have moments of sadness. It's normal to have times of happiness and times when you feel sad. Grief is different for everyone. It's important to let yourself feel all of your emotions. But if you have feelings that are too big to handle or don't go away, reach out and tell someone that you need help. When it feels okay to you, it helps to talk about your feelings with people you trust. There will always be people around who love you very much and want to help you.

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Helping Children Grieve

For Parents of School-age Children

I'm Paula Hampel, a Mayo Clinic child life specialists and I help children after somebody they love has died. Losing someone you love is one of the toughest things a child can face. As a parent, it may be tempting to try to help your child avoid the pain that comes with loss, but it's important to respect the unique way your child experiences a loss, and offer plenty of time and space to move through the sadness, confusion, and pain. We have put together some answers to the most common questions from parents supporting a child who has lost someone they love.

How do I talk to my child about death?

At your child's age, they can understand more complex concepts like death and dying. Avoid confusing language like saying your loved one has passed away or has gone to a better place. Instead, simply state that your loved one has died. Explain that death means your body stops working. You might want to give specifics, such as the heart stops beating and the body doesn't take a breath anymore. Reassure your child that even though the person isn't coming back, you can still feel connected to them in special ways.

How should I explain what happens after we die?

If your family practices a specific faith, you may want to connect to your family's religious or spiritual traditions and beliefs. This may include the idea of a soul and what you believe happens to the soul after a person dies. Or having a sense of wonder about the way all things in nature are connected through the cycle of life. Plants, trees, animals, and people are all born, and all eventually die.

Are there any common questions I should be ready to answer?

Your child is likely to ask why or how did this happen. Provide clear, age-appropriate answers, and let your child's questions guide the conversation. Children might worry that they did something that caused your loved one to die. Provide reassurance that the person's death had nothing to do with anything they did, said, or thought. Your child also may wonder if they or you will die as well. Simply explain that you don't expect that to happen and reassure them. For example, you could say, most people don't die until they are very old.

How much information is enough?

Start by sharing the basics and concrete, clear language by saying something like: “Dad has died. He was in the hospital and his heart stopped working. The doctors and nurses did everything they could to help, but his body was too sick.” Then wait to see what questions your child asks. Let them know that you're always open to answer any questions whenever they come up.

How do I help my child work through their emotions?

Children process grief very differently from adults. They may act out their emotions in many ways. They may take in small bits of information and process them until they're ready for more. You may find that conversations happen naturally while you're spending time together watching TV, cooking, playing, or during other everyday activities. Children sometimes hesitate to share what's on their mind because they don't want to make you sad.

How should I handle challenging behavior related to grief?

Many children act out while they're grieving. They may defy your rules, have angry outbursts, or engage in behaviors they know aren't acceptable. For children, acting out can be a way of processing emotions that overwhelm them, but that doesn't mean it's acceptable, and it won't help your child if you let them avoid consequences. Let your child know that their behavior isn't okay, but it doesn't change your love for them. Routines are still important. So don't relax them too much. Your child will need a sense of structure and stability alongside the chaos in their world. If your child is having problems at school, talk with their teachers, let them know what's happening in your child's life and that extra support may be needed. They may also be able to connect you with additional resources that can help.

Is it okay to cry or talk about my grief in front of my child?

Yes. Letting your child see your own grief shows them how to express feelings in a healthy way. Put words to your feelings, like I'm sad today or I'm missing your grandpa right now. You can teach your child that sad is not bad. It's just a sign of how much you cared for the person who died.

How can I help my child feel connected to our loved one?

Staying connected is important. One creative way to do this is to set up a space in your home for photos and mementos. Add to it together over time with pictures you've drawn or items that your loved one treasured. Your child may find comfort in a special item that belonged to your loved one, a much-loved sweater, or a favorite blanket. If your child had favorite traditions with your loved one, keep those rituals alive. This creates regular opportunities for your loved one to come up in conversation so you can share memories and talk with each other about your feelings.

What else can I do to help my child?

Be aware that your child may begin facing risks from peer pressure sooner than you realize. Alcohol, drug use, and other unsafe behaviors can be an issue for all children as they get older. This is especially true for kids dealing with grief as they can be more vulnerable. It's important to have loving, honest conversations with them about these issues and to start these conversations when your child is still young. As difficult as it may be, resist the urge to over protect your child.

What if my child needs extra help with grief?

If your child is having trouble coping with the loss, withdrawing, or showing excessive sadness, talk to your child's doctor. Your child might need help from a mental health professional or your child's care team may be able to recommend a support group for children who are experiencing grief. Other resources for support may include your child's school counselor and your spiritual community. Don't neglect your own need for support as well. The most important thing you can do to help is to make sure you're taking care of your own mental and emotional health. Ask your doctor for help if you need it or seek out adult support groups. Grief is a journey that you and your family experience together. At Mayo Clinic, we're here to support you every step of the way.

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Helping Children Grieve

For Teens

I'm Paula Hampel and I help young people after a loved one has died. If someone you love has died, you're really hurting. This may be one of the hardest things you've ever experienced. After the death of a loved one, you may feel very different for a while. You might be wrestling with thoughts and emotions that seem to roll over you and maybe even through you like giant waves. This reaction is called grief. Grief is a process everyone goes through when someone they love dies. It's not as simple as just being sad. It affects many different parts of you and your life all at once. I want you to know that this is normal and that you're not alone.

My feelings are all over the place. Is this normal? The answer is yes. No matter what you're feeling, grief can cause every kind of emotion. You might feel overwhelmed by sadness sometimes, other times you might feel very angry, numb, or even confused. You might feel like you can't believe they are gone. It might surprise you to hear that it's also normal to feel okay for a while, and then suddenly feel upset or sad again. Many teens feel guilty when someone they love dies. Maybe you regret something you did or didn't say to them before they died. You might miss them and feel lonesome. You may wonder who will take care of you. These thoughts and feelings can make it hard to pay attention in school or concentrate on the things you enjoy. Many teens feel a lot of pressure from life's responsibilities. If you feel this way, grief can make things even more complicated. Be sure to tell others in your life what you're going through.

A lot of things feel off in my body. Is that normal? Yes. You can experience grief in physical ways too. This is different for everyone. You may not be hungry even for your favorite foods. You might have trouble falling asleep or have nightmares when you do manage to sleep. You might also have trouble taking care of yourself, like getting regular exercise or taking a shower. Sometimes grief can make you feel like you're moving through quicksand. Spending time with people who make you feel safe and loved can help you feel a little better.

Some of my friends seem pretty awkward around me. What should I do? Death often makes others feel very uncomfortable. Your friends may want to try to fix your pain, but they can't, so they kind of freeze up. They might avoid the topic or try to act like things are normal, or it might feel like they're avoiding you altogether. If you can, tell your friends what they can do to support you. Maybe it's just asking them to listen while you talk about what happened, or maybe you just want to hang out and watch a movie or listen to music.

Everyone wants me to talk about it. But I'm not ready. Is that okay? Yes. It's okay for you to need time to feel comfortable talking about your feelings. You may feel more at ease opening up to a close friend at first. Just make sure you have someone to talk to and let others know you have support. If you don't have a friend you can talk to, consider asking someone you trust to help you find a grief support group for teens. You could also ask for help finding a therapist who works with teens who are grieving. Your school counselor, a favorite teacher, or coach, may also be someone you can talk with. When it comes to your family, you may find that it feels good just to spend time together, cooking a meal or watching TV. When you feel close and safe, you might discover that you are able to talk with them about what you're feeling.

What if I start to forget things about the person who died? This is a very normal thing to worry about. You might even find yourself replaying certain memories over in your head to try to make sure they stay. There are a lot of things you can do to capture your memories so they will last. You could write down your favorite memories in a journal, you can make a memory box with pictures of your loved one. You might find comfort in holding onto something that belong to them, such as a favorite t-shirt, sweater, or a special piece of jewelry. If you had favorite traditions together, choose someone to help you keep those going. Keep going to your favorite pizza place or following a favorite band or sports team. Talk about the things you remember when you were doing those favorite activities.

Will I ever feel better?Yes. Though you may always feel moments of grief, it's normal to have times of happiness along with moments of sadness. Grief will always be different for everyone. It's important to let yourself feel all the feelings you have. If you have feelings that are too big to handle or don't go away over time, ask for help. It's especially important to reach out for help. If you find that you're taking risks that put you or others in danger, like drinking alcohol, taking drugs, or other risky behaviors. If you have thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself, call or text the 988 suicide and crisis lifeline for help anytime. Healing doesn't mean forgetting. You'll remember the person who died forever, but it won't always be this painful. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself. Healing takes time.

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Helping Children Grieve

For Parents of Teens

I'm Paula Hampel, a Mayo Clinic child life specialist, and I help families with children who have lost a loved one. Losing someone you love is one of the toughest challenges a teenager can face. As a parent, it may be tempting to try to help your teen avoid the pain that comes with loss. But it's important to respect the unique way your teen experiences a loss -- and to offer plenty of time and space to move through the sadness, confusion, and pain. We have put together some answers to the most common questions we get from parents supporting a teen who has lost someone they love.

How do I talk to my teen about death? By the time someone reaches the teen years it's likely they've already experienced loss. Teens are able to understand complex topics like death. Still, they may not be ready to talk about it on a timeline that feels natural to you. It may even look to you as if they aren't grieving at all. The most important thing you can do is to let them know that when they want to talk with you, you'll be there.

What questions should I expect? Teens often have practical questions about death and about changes to your family after this loss. They want to be treated as adults and to feel a sense of control. It's important to use clear, accurate language and provide as many details as they ask for. If they have medical questions, try researching them together. Encourage your teen to be involved in decisions if possible. For instance, if you're going to need to move, ask for their input or ask how they would like to celebrate major milestones without your loved one.

What if my teen isn't talking to me about this loss at all? Teens may be more comfortable grieving with their peers. This is normal. The most important thing is to be sure they have someone to talk to about their loss. Support their relationships with friends and other trusted adults in their lives. Respect their need for privacy.

If my teen is talking with others, should I leave the topic alone? Your teen may not be opening up to you about their grief, but you are still very much needed. Remain present and consistent. Keep your daily routines as normal as possible. You may find that they are more willing to share their feelings while you spend time together, watching TV, cooking, or during other everyday activities. Some teens may not want to share because they don't want to make you feel sad or upset. Let them know that feeling sad doesn't mean something is wrong. It's just a sign of how much you cared for the person who died. And these emotions are an important part of healing.

How should I handle challenging behaviors during this time? Many teens act out while they're grieving. They may hide their feelings only to later explode in an angry outburst. They may defy rules or engage in behaviors they know aren't acceptable. For teens, acting out can be a way of processing emotions, but that doesn't mean it's acceptable. And it won't help if you let your teen avoid important consequences. Let them know that their behavior isn't okay, but it doesn't change your love and support no matter what. You may find that with time your teen is able to share their feelings. Let them know that you're ready to listen anytime. If your teen is acting out at school, talk with their teachers. Let them know what's happening with your family and that extra support may be needed. Teachers may also be able to connect you with other resources that can help.

Is it okay to cry or talk about my grief in front of my teen? Yes. Letting your teen in on your own grief shows them how to express feelings in a healthy way. You can explain why you're sad and let them know that it's okay to have emotions. It's also okay for you to show that you are upset, short tempered, or whatever you feel. Connecting emotions with behaviors is an important lesson for everyone to learn. Let your teen see your grief along with moments of happiness. This will show that it's possible to bounce back. Be careful not to give your teen the impression that they are in any way responsible for your feelings. If you need to really fall apart, carve out a safe space to do that away from them.

How can I help my teen feel connected to our loved one? One creative way to do this is to set up a space in your home to display photos and mementos that help you both remember the person who died. You may also want to encourage activities like making a memory box, drawing, painting, keeping a journal, or playing favorite music. Your teen might find comfort in a special item that belonged to your loved one. If there were favorite traditions with your loved one, keep those rituals alive. These traditions create regular opportunities for your loved one to come up naturally in conversation so you can share memories and talk about your feelings.

What else can I do to help my teen? It's important to be aware that teens who are dealing with grief can be more vulnerable to risky behaviors. Keep an eye out for signs that your teen may be using alcohol or drugs, engaging in risky sexual behavior or making other reckless choices. As hard as it may be, resist the urge to overprotect. It's far more helpful to have loving, honest conversations. Check in with your teen about staying safe online, especially when it comes to discussing their feelings or sharing personal information. Encourage an open discussion about the information they share on social media.

What if my teen needs extra help dealing with grief? If you have concerns about a drop in self-esteem, withdrawal, sadness that never seems to pass or extreme behaviors, contact your teen's doctor. Your teen may need help from a mental health professional or your doctor might recommend a support group for teens who are dealing with grief. If you feel that your teen is suicidal, call or text the 988 suicide and crisis lifeline right away. Don't neglect your own need for support. The most important thing you can do is to make sure you're taking care of your own mental and emotional health. Ask your doctor for help if you need it or seek out adult support groups. Grief is a journey that you and your family experience together. At Mayo Clinic, we're here to support you every step of the way.

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