At some point, everyone has been hurt by the words or actions of another person. These incidents can range from everyday disappointments, such as a misunderstanding with a friend or a setback at work, to deeply painful events such as bullying or abuse. Those experiences may leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger. Sometimes, they might even lead to hatred.
But if you hold on to the pain, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you may feel more peace and hope. Think about how forgiveness can help support your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves a combination of acceptance and an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger.
While the memory of an act that hurt or offended you may last, working on forgiveness may ease the pain of what happened. Forgiveness also can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Sometimes, forgiveness might allow for feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. But forgiveness can bring a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life.
What are the benefits of forgiving someone?
Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for greater well-being and peace of mind. Forgiveness may lead to:
- Healthier relationships.
- Improved mental health.
- Less anxiety, stress and hostility.
- Fewer symptoms of depression.
- Lower blood pressure.
- A stronger immune system.
- Improved heart health.
- Greater self-esteem.
Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?
Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell too long on hurtful events or situations, you may end up holding a grudge and being filled with resentment and hostility. If you allow negative feelings to take over, you might find yourself overwhelmed by bitterness or a sense of injustice.
Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even those who tend to hold a grudge can learn to be more forgiving.
What are the effects of holding a grudge?
If you struggle with forgiveness, you might:
- Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences.
- Become so wrapped up in a past wrong that you can't enjoy the present.
- Become depressed, irritable or anxious.
- Feel at odds with your spiritual beliefs.
- Lose valuable and positive connections with others.
How do I move toward forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a commitment to change. It takes practice. To move toward forgiveness, you might:
- Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life.
- Find what needs healing and who you want to forgive.
- Accept your emotions about the harm done to you. Then note how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to move beyond the emotions.
- Think about seeking support. That might include joining a support group, talking with a mental health professional or connecting with a trusted friend or family member.
- Choose to forgive the person who's offended you.
- Release the control and power that the other person and situation have had in your life.
What happens if I can't forgive someone?
Forgiveness can be hard. That may be especially true if the person who hurt you doesn't admit to doing anything wrong. If you find yourself stuck, try looking at the situation from a broader perspective, if it feels right and is safe.
That might involve thinking about what influenced the other person's actions. This step is not about excusing harmful behavior. Instead, it's about gaining some understanding of the overall situation. That may help you let go. But it's important to prioritize your safety and well-being, especially in situations involving abuse or ongoing harm.
Other steps that may help you move toward forgiveness include:
- Reflect on times when others have forgiven you.
- Try reflective practices such as journaling, mindfulness or guided meditation.
- Talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate. That could be a spiritual leader, a mental health professional, a family member or a friend.
- Remember that forgiveness is a process. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again.
Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?
If a hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. But that isn't always possible. And in some situations, it may not be safe.
For example, reconciliation might be impossible if the other person has died or isn't willing to talk with you. In situations involving abuse or ongoing harm, it may not be safe or healthy to seek reconciliation. Still, forgiveness often is possible, even when reconciliation isn't.
What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?
Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. Instead, it's about focusing on what you can learn to control now, especially your thoughts and emotions. Think more about how forgiveness can change your life by allowing for more peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness also can take away the power the other person has in your life.
What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?
If you feel you need forgiveness, the first step is to honestly look at and admit to the wrongs you've done. Think about how your actions may have affected others. But try not to judge yourself too harshly.
If you're sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, think about reaching out to those you've harmed. Talk with them about your sincere sorrow or regret. Ask for forgiveness without making excuses.
You can't force someone to forgive you. Other people need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Remember, forgiveness is a process. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.
