Domestic violence against women: Recognize patterns, seek help

Domestic violence is a serious threat for many women. Know the signs of an abusive relationship and how to leave a dangerous situation.

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won't happen again — but you fear it will. At times you wonder whether you're imagining the abuse, yet the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you might be experiencing domestic violence.

Recognize domestic violence

Domestic violence — also called intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. Men are sometimes abused by partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. Domestic violence can happen in heterosexual or same-sex relationships.

It might not be easy to identify domestic violence at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. You might be experiencing domestic violence if you're in a relationship with someone who:

  • Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
  • Prevents or discourages you from going to work or school
  • Prevents or discourages you from seeing family members or friends
  • Tries to control how you spend money, where you go, what medicines you take or what you wear
  • Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
  • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
  • Threatens you with violence or a weapon
  • Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
  • Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
  • Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

If you're lesbian, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence if you're in a relationship with someone who:

  • Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
  • Tells you that authorities won't help a lesbian, bisexual or transgender person
  • Tells you that leaving the relationship means you're admitting that lesbian, bisexual or transgender relationships are deviant
  • Says women can't be violent
  • Justifies abuse by telling you that you're not "really" lesbian, bisexual or transgender

Pregnancy, children and domestic violence

Sometimes domestic violence begins — or increases — during pregnancy, putting your health and the baby's health at risk. The danger continues after the baby is born. Even if your child isn't abused, simply witnessing domestic violence can be harmful. Children who grow up in abusive homes are more likely to be abused and have behavioral problems than are other children. As adults, they're more likely to become abusers or think abuse is a normal part of relationships. You might worry that seeking help will further endanger you and your child or that it might break up your family, but it's the best way to protect your child — and yourself.

Break the cycle

If you're in an abusive situation, you might recognize this pattern:

  • Your abuser threatens violence.
  • Your abuser strikes.
  • Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts.
  • The cycle repeats itself.

The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the greater the physical and emotional toll. You might become depressed and anxious. You might begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself or wonder if the abuse is your fault. You might feel helpless or paralyzed.

If you're an older woman who has health problems, you might feel dependent upon an abusive partner. If you're in a same-sex relationship, you might be less likely to seek help after an assault if you don't want to disclose your sexual orientation. If you've been sexually assaulted by another woman, you might also fear that you won't be believed.

Still, the only way to break the cycle of domestic violence is to take action — and the sooner the better. Start by telling someone about the abuse, whether it's a friend, loved one, health care provider or other close contact. At first, you might find it hard to talk about the abuse. But you'll also likely feel relief and receive much-needed support.

Apr. 12, 2014 See more In-depth