Children and divorce: Helping kids after a breakup
Divorce is between adults — but the breakup of a marriage can have profound effects on children, too. Here's help presenting a united front to your child.By Mayo Clinic Staff
Divorce is stressful for the entire family. Your child might feel as if his or her world has turned upside down. But there's good news. You can ease your child's adjustment to the divorce by interacting responsibly with your spouse. Consider these practical tips for children and divorce.
How to break the news
It's best if you and your spouse tell your child about the divorce together. Speak honestly and simply, but skip the ugly details. You might say, "Your mom (or dad) and I have been having trouble getting along, so we think it's best for us to live apart."
Make sure your child understands that divorce is only between adults. Remind your child — repeatedly — that he or she did nothing to cause the divorce, and that both of you love your child as much as ever.
Also tell your child's teacher, school counselor and doctor about the divorce. They can observe your child, keep you updated on any concerns and offer guidance.
Expect a mix of reactions
Initially, your child might be most interested in concrete things. Where will I live? Do I need to change schools? Who will take me to swimming lessons? As you work out the terms of the divorce, try to maintain your child's routine as much as possible — or quickly establish a new routine. Knowing what to expect will help your child feel more secure.
But soon, the reality of divorce will settle in. A younger child might respond to the stress by regressing to behavior he or she had previously outgrown, such as sucking on a pacifier or wetting the bed. A resurgence of separation anxiety could strike as well. Help your child put his or her feelings into words.
An older child might respond to the stress with a mix of emotions — anger, anxiety, grief or even relief. If your child's anger turns inward, he or she might become depressed or withdrawn. Anger can have the opposite effect, too, causing a child to act out or develop behavior issues. Encourage your child to share his or her feelings as openly as possible.
Keep your child out of the fight
Respecting your child's relationship with the other parent can help your child adapt to the divorce. Keep these general "don'ts" in mind:
March 08, 2014
- Don't speak badly about your spouse in front of your child.
- Don't force your child to choose sides.
- Don't use your child as a messenger or go-between.
- Don't argue or discuss child support issues in front of your child.
- Don't pump your child for information about the other parent.
- Don't use your child as a pawn to hurt the other parent.
See more In-depth
- Children and divorce. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Children_and_Divorce_01.aspx. Accessed Oct. 10, 2013.
- Desrochers JE. Divorce: A parents' guide for supporting children. National Association of School Psychologists. http://www.nasponline.org/resources/parenting/divorce_ho.aspx. Accessed Oct. 10, 2013.
- Shelov SP, et al. Caring for Your Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5. 5th ed. New York, N.Y.: Bantam Books; 2009:728.
- Wolchik SA, et al. Promoting resilience in youth from divorced families: Lessons learned from experimental trials of the New Beginnings Program. Journal of Personality. 2009;77:1833.
- McInerny TK, et al. American Academy of Pediatrics Textbook of Pediatric Care. Elk Grove Village, Ill.: American Academy of Pediatrics; 2009:1056.
- Marcdante KJ, et al. Nelson Essentials of Pediatrics. 6th ed. Philadelphia, Pa.: Saunders Elsevier; 2011:98.
- Greydanus DE, et al. Caring for Your Teenager: The Complete and Authoritative Guide. New York, N.Y.: Bantam Books; 2003:100.
- Carey WB, et al. Developmental-Behavioral Pediatrics. 4th ed. Philadelphia, Pa.: Saunders Elsevier; 2009. http://www.clinicalkey.com. Accessed Oct. 10, 2013.